On August 5th, every year, I get a hug from someone early in the morning and then more recently I’ve just read messages on the WhatsApp family group and Facebook wall posts wishing me good things and dreams realized, that God may lead me to good fortune and happiness, and for the closer relatives and friends (who are actually the only ones posting, but sometimes I get a few distant people) they tell me “everything’s gonna be fine”. I find that reassuring. Yes, I would like a new phone. No, I’m not looking forward to spending over 700 real on a webcam. But that’s part of my job and I should, I think, at this point, get ready for the next wave of work. There’s this whole context. But life is about more than that.

Life is more than your family, friends and work. Life is about all the fuck ups. Life is about forgiving yourself, and forgiving other people. If there are people from my past who are specialists in Education who could have contributed somehow for my own project, that’s okay, they’re busy. They probably thought the website was sloppy. Or that I searched too many times for this particular word, and they didn’t want to be associated with that kind of content. I regret saying “hottie”. I regret making sexual references to the digestive tract in ways that would make people shocked, considering circumstances. But you know what, that was kinda fun. At least I know now that this kind of thing is not normal. I was testing the water. I regret being aggressive with my poor dad. Who has ugly, vengeful, utterly conspirational thoughts; but he’s still my dad. And today we hug like I’m still a baby, and that’s what matters. I make the 62 year old man moan like he’s got the company of a lady, for the first time in so, so long. By giving him a hug. And maybe he’ll give me one of those dad hugs. Not letting go. And I’ll be like “okay dad, I’m still not 40”. And he’ll think that time is an interesting thing, and share an anecdote. And that will probably mark me. But let’s not forget about potential cake.

I learned to love so fucking deeply. I met someone who’s making me better myself daily, and I dread going back. I know that would mean I’ve failed society. That was my excuse: I got to do these things on the internet, but there was an expiration date, and when I was 30, I was still confused. Now, it’s pretty clear. People have babies. I’m gonna be having thoughts and feelings, but in terms of finding everlasting company and partnership, I’m gonna have to guess that I’ve checked that, would you believe? After all the fuck ups. And that’s not an easy feat. But she fucking loves me back. And there’s no price for that smile. There’s no words for the peacefulness I feel when I know she’s going to sleep knowing that she’s loved. Even when I’ve talked too much. Even when I ranted about things that trigger her. Even with bad song choices. We still blew a kiss and made fun of each other.

The guy in the picture is what the future holds. I wish I had facial hair like that, but recently I tried growing a goatee and it was, I suppose, respectable. Some people would probably say laughable, but fuck them. I don’t need universal approval, and the idea of it is appalling to me: like being friends with politicians. And I know money buys me a ticket, but I have a whole ass background check to pass. And as far as AI goes, I’m not sure if they’re still scanning for all the banned words that I’ve used on my messaging apps and other stuff. But what a dumb thing to do. Not me, the companies. That’s why I say I didn’t know who I was. Because I was just being myself, but I never realized it took effort to be me. I never listened to the haters because, I suppose, someone else had that job. And now they’re gone. I do get some of those eventually. But I disperse them. Some of it is localized, some not quite. It’s manageable. Nothing that’s gonna show up on TV or TikTok. I think. Too soon?

I think the future is what you make of it. And part of me wants to say: “no, the future is what we vote for”. But these are not the stakes here. I have a set of projects that I’ve envisioned and I plan to keep working on them. One of the things I would like the most is to travel. Some things have to come first. The money. The job. The clients. The conditions. But I’m not controlling the conditions. If they push me, I’ll respond. If they praise me, I’ll ask to be mentioned, because they seem to ignore that I have a name. And maybe in 5 years, I’ll be 40 and think: “I’ve made it here with my own efforts”. That would make me confident enough to be a parent. Late in the game, but still in the beginning in my career, depending on how you look at it. But again, life is not about jobs, or family, or even fuck ups. Life is about wondering. Life is about feeling. And I don’t know how I’ll be feeling tomorrow. I don’t know how to feel about everything I’ve written on this blog. But I’ve built it. And it’s part of who I am. The projects keep going. And I’ll try to make the bed, and clean up my desk from time to time. There will always be something new to discuss. I hope to contribute. Collaboration is key. And so this is an invite for you to share how you feel about your dad, what kind of fuck up you’ve done, and who brings you peace in the hard days. Allow yourself to share that. The internet is supposed to stay human. Let’s make sure we are better humans as well. I think that’s the whole point of growing up, and evolution as a whole.